I was going to church today and I was so excited because I love going to church. It feels so much like home. And I am home when I am in church. I have a family in church who cares and loves me and that makes me feel very, very belonged. I thank and praise God for His goodness is forever and ever so bountiful. I was struggling with a thought I had been obsessively dwelling over. In fact I was dwelling on it so much that I almost missed my monorail train stop. Anyway, on the way there I was kinda grumpy because I was hoping to get to church early because I wanted to go for confession. I feel so uneasy when I haven't been for a while. That's just me anyway...digression aside, When I reached the church I went upstairs and spoke to a friend. To her response of how I was doing I said my spirit was groaning. Then I told her I was going to go and find the verse for the spirit groaning part. When I entered the church resource center, I found not only my counselor and best friend, but another priest and some church committee. I froze. I almost made a involuntary jerk to move backwards and leave. Then my counselor was like "Anne, some coffee?" Then I said "No thanks...." then I placed by bag down and then went to speak to my friend. Then I decided to go back in to look for the verse. I got some bibles down and decided to look for it. (I eventually did...) That was almost time for mass when I had sat down to look for the verse, as I saw my counselor leaving the center to prepare for mass, he said, "Anne, I have an appointment with you after mass, right?" Actually I didn't even set any appointment with him...but as I was feeling a heavy burden inside of me I said "Alright...see you then..." then when I had found it..."We are weak, but the Spirit comes to help us. And what shall we ask for?We do not know, but the Spirit, for He asks for the Holy Ones what is pleasing to God..." -Romans 8:26
After reflecting on it, I felt it was God saying..."I know the voice of your heart. I know your spirit and soul the best and most. I know what it is that you need and how you feel. Rest assured when you cry out to Me, I shall come and rescue you. I shan't only do that, I shall always heal and restore you and I shall forever claim you as Mine. You shall dwell in My house for all the days of your lives and you shall worship Me and call Me the Lord your God for I alone am Lord and God."
Then when I had come out for mass, the ministry lady, who was also a communion minister, had seen me and asked me; "Anne, would you like to do the reading today?" and I said okay. And the psalm really touched me a lot....
"The Lord Yahweh has taught me
so I speak as His disciple
and I know how to sustain the weary.
Morning and after morning He wakes me up
to hear, to listen like a disciple.
The Lord Yahweh has opened my ear
I have not rebelled
nor have I withdrawn
I offered my back to those who struck me
my cheeks to those who pulled my beard
neither did I shield my face
from blows, spittle and disgrace.
I have not despaired
for the Lord Yahweh comes to my help
so like a flint I set my face
knowing that I will not be disgraced
He who avenges me is near
who then will accuse me?
Let us confront each other
who is now my accuser?
Let him approach.
If the Lord Yahweh is my help
who will condemn me?
all of them will wear out like cloth;
the moth will devour them
and then the psalm was read...
and all touched my heart so much. It gave me a reminder, a powerful reminder that...God says not only to me but to all of us;
"I love you. I shall never leave you. I shall always go before you and MY staff and rod will comfort you. If the enemy were to strike you, I would bring down My sword and smite them. Then the Name of the Lord God Yahweh be praised. I am your God and you are My chosen one. I shall always preserve you. As I shall never abandon you, the church shall never abandon you....no sooner will a mother leave her first born child or a father his first born son...even if mother and father shall forsake you...I Yahweh Sabaoth shall never forsake you...I shall preserve you and all whom I call I have made for a good purpose. I will make your hands fruitful and your countenance to shine with My Holy radiance and My words shall be at the tip of your lips. All who hear you speak will be gladden. For it is I Whom shall speak. I am Lord Yahweh and I alone am the Almighty creator and Master. I am God and you are My people. All Whom I have made I have preserved, written their names in the palm of My hands...I shall love you like a rich man hordes his money. I shall love you like a jealous husband his wife and a father and mother their first born child....."
The fellowship we had after mass was so good. I really do feel loved and I feel indeed in my heart that I HAVE a family. I have a family who loves me. The feeling of my belonging had evaporated when my grandmother had passed away. I had yearned to feel the feeling...and I felt once again that I have a family...in Christ...and in the church...I feel truly rich and belonged.
I hope that wasn't arrogant....
Also...the thing which has made me so motivated was that I was showing my text books to my counselor and we talked about when I was going to start college and everything...
After a short while, looking at the text books...he said ..."Study hard, okay?"
And those three words are like gold to me...I want to make God proud of me. I want to make my counselor proud of me.
I told my friend and I am telling you all...I am so glad all that mess happened to me because all that mess led me to Jesus, led me to the church, led me to Mother Mary, led me to a church family who cares and loves me genuinely...and led me to my counselor whom I love dearly.